Exam Room 6

Today is CD 3. Yes, another CD 3. We've decided to try one more IUI before heading onto IVF. So this morning I went in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. I wasn't feeling hopeful for this cycle, but I wasn't expecting any unfortunate news. I figured they'd give us the all clear, we'd start our last IUI injectables cycle and then move on to something that might get us pregnant and keep us pregnant. (Or at least have a higher probability of doing so.)

HA! Easy, smooth cycles are such a thing of the past! When I think back to how perfect our first IUI cycle was, I laugh at how lucky we had gotten. Little did I know all of the cycles that would fall after would have one little issue after another. We learn something new every single time. I feel like I'm working towards a degree in reproductive endocrinology. Seriously, I read more of the literature in this area than I even do for my job these days. (Side note: I'm a librarian. Searching the literature is my jam.)

Anyways, this morning's RE visit started off to an awful start when they brought me into the exam room. Or rather, THE EXAM ROOM. You see, the room they put me in was Exam Room 6. The same room that I was told that our first pregnancy was ectopic. The same room that I was given a methotrexate shot one week later when they still couldn't find a baby. Yep, Exam Room 6 is my least favorite room. I hadn't been placed in it since those horrible days back in June/July. So when they put me in there this morning, all of the feels returned. I was immediately sad and no longer even had a glimmer of hope. I just wanted to get out of that room as fast as I could. But, I couldn't. I had to be strong and put up with it to get through the scan.

So, the nurse began and I immediately noticed her face turn from a smile with hope to pure disappointment. "You have a very large cyst on the right ovary," she said. "So, we're going to have to put this cycle on hold for another two weeks. It's your choice if you want to do birth control or just coast it out until you start another cycle on your own."

Are you fucking kidding me? -- is what I wanted to say. Instead, my husband and I explained that this was our last IUI. We're switching insurance at the start of the new year. If we don't start this cycle now it's not happening. We asked if there were any other options because we really were caught off guard and didn't know what to do. Our game plan was fit in one more IUI. This was not in our plan.

The nurse said that she has heard of the doctor, on very rare occasions, allowing a couple to move forward with a cycle even with a cyst. But, she'd have to talk to him and it would also depend on how my bloodwork went. We told her we'd be waiting for the phone call.

When I left the RE I was in tears. I cried the entire way to work. Why can't anything go right? Why can't I have my baby? What did I do in some past life that is making me suffer through so much now? I'm angry. This isn't fair. I'm a good person. I don't deserve this. No one deserves this.

And then the more I thought about it, no, life isn't fair. It sucks for a lot of people. I started thinking about people who have it worse than me. Whether it's a disease, family issue, money issue, or some other personal struggle, so many people are dealing with something. We're all just trying our best to get through each day and be the strongest we can be. Some days that means we're curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor in tears. Other days we're putting a smile on even if on the inside we're barely keeping it together. And then some days we even manage to distract ourselves enough with something that brings us so much joy that we forget about the thing that brings us so much sadness. That last one is the one I need to try and focus on: more days filled with joy.

So I went and treated myself to a cup of tea on my way to work. And a few hours later the nurse called. You know what she said? My E2 level was 23 - extremely low. We could move on with this cycle.  They'd monitor the cyst, but it wasn't active, so we could give this cycle a shot.

So tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday we inject 125 units of Gonal F, put on a face of joy and be thankful that we have been given one more chance of an IUI baby. One more chance before we move on to IVF. And even if we have to move onto that next stage, we know that we'll be grateful that we're given that chance, too. One more road to travel towards bringing home a rainbow baby - or two.

And who knows, maybe someday Exam Room 6 will bring me joy instead of sadness.