A Birth Story (Part 2)

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was put on bed rest at week 31. The doctors (my OBGYN, NICU, high risk, and Labor and Delivery) thought I'd only keep her cooking for a few more days, but those days turned into weeks and with each week, everyone was shocked that I still hadn't gone back into labor.

Things stayed pretty quiet and each week I went in for a check-up to make sure all was still good. For those interested in the details, here's how the days prior to going into labor (again) looked:

Sunday: started to lose my mucus plug; no contractions
Monday: continued losing mucus plug; no contractions
Tuesday: nothing to report
Wednesday: went in for ultrasound (baby had been measuring small a few weeks prior); everything looked great; still in shock I hadn't delivered her
Thursday: started having irregular contractions in the evening.  (To the right is a screenshot of what I recorded in the OviaPregnancy app.) I didn't even mention the contractions to my husband because I figured they were nothing and would go away. I went to bed and slept the best I had my entire pregnancy!

That leads us to Friday, October 6th. I woke up at 8:06 a.m. (looked at my cell phone, so I know the exact time - ha!). I felt like I was peeing my pants, so I went to the bathroom, but was having trouble controlling anything. That's when I realized my water broke. It wasn't a gush or anything, just like you can't quite hold in your pee and it was trickling out. When I wiped I noticed some blood, so I started freaking out a little. I didn't have contractions, so I was a bit worried. My doctor's office opened at 8:30 a.m., so instead of calling the emergency line, I figured I'd wait the 20 minutes and take a quick shower first. I got cleaned up and as soon as I got out of the shower I started having contractions. They were about 3 minutes apart. I called my husband (who was downstairs) and told him to bring me a crappy towel (because I was bleeding) and go get cleaned up because I thought we'd be heading to the hospital really soon. I then called my doctor and they told us to head straight to Labor and Delivery, which we did. By the time we got to the car in our driveway, contractions were 1 minute (!!) apart. Things were progressing quickly and we were a little concerned that the baby would come while in the car at that point. Thankfully, though, that didn't happen!

The hospital is a quick 10 minute drive from our house, and when we arrived they got us checked in quickly. By 9:06 a.m., I was hooked up to a monitor and had a resident examining me. After the exam, she looked up at me and said, "well, it looks like you're having a baby today! 5 centimeters dilated!" Next thing I know, I was being wheeled from triage to a delivery room and the contractions were intensifying immensely. My husband kept trying to hold my hand and I just slapped at him and told him to leave me alone. Each contraction was some of the most intense pain I'd ever experienced and I just couldn't handle being touched by anyone when it was happening.

Around 10 a.m. a nurse asked if I wanted an epidural. At that point I had had enough of the pain and yelled a quick "yes!". I was 6 centimeters dilated and ready for some relief. They paged the anesthesiologist and we waited. And waited. And waited. I got to 7 centimeters, still no epidural and the nurse sent yet another page to see if it was on the way. Finally, the anesthesiologist walked in the room and they started the process (after some questioning if it was too late to do one at that point!). Thank goodness they agreed it was right at the cut-off point, but they would start the epidural.

If you haven't had an epidural, they ask everyone to leave the room - including your significant other. So, it's just you, the anesthesiologist and a nurse. You have to sit up and be incredibly still while the catheter is being threaded into your spine. Oh my gosh guys - do you know how hard it is to sit still while having intense contractions?! I seriously didn't think I could do it. But I put every ounce of energy I had into concentrating on relaxing, breathing, and staying as still as I could. And you know what? It worked! They put it in and - thankfully, it worked. If you're fortunate enough for the epidural to work, it takes effect immediately. I didn't feel anything else the remainder of labor or delivery.

My husband returned to the room and for the rest of the time, I was fairly relaxed. He watched the monitor and told me when I was having a contraction. The epidural did slow things down a bit and I didn't really start pushing until about 12:30 p.m. We tried some different positions that the nurse suggested. In the end, the one that worked best was wheeling a large bar - sort of like a pull up bar at the gym - above the bed. I pulled myself up using the bar and pushed three times with each pull, then we'd wait until the next contraction and I'd then do it again. I pushed for about an hour like this and when my husband told me he could see our baby's head, I noticed a ton of people start piling into the room. There were NICU nurses and doctors, regular nurses, my doctor, and who knows who else. Just a lot of people! Oh, and mid-delivery the large overhead light bulb blew, so then we also had more people come in to wheel a large light to temporarily use. That was eventful!

At 1:44 p.m. our beautiful daughter, Eva, joined us in the world. I didn't get the experience you hear about in books, blogs, or movies. She wasn't held up for me to see. I didn't know what was going on and the whole time I had tears trickling down my face.  I don't even remember hearing the baby cry. I had no idea if she was okay. And while all this was going on, my doctor was there helping me deliver the placenta and also Twin B's sac. (I actually have tears in my eyes typing this, because that was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I hadn't even thought about that being a part of delivery prior to going into labor and just having that reminder again that we lost Baby B was just - heart wrenching.) After the delivery was complete, I was stitched up (first degree tear).

The entire time I was being stitched, I kept staring at my baby at the other side of the room. I waited and waited what felt like forever, but was probably only minutes, for someone to give me an update on our daughter. A NICU nurse eventually came over and told me Eva was doing well, but was going to need some help breathing, eating, and regulating her temperature. I asked if I could see her before they took her away, and a nurse bundled her up and brought her to me and placed her in my arms. My husband and I took a quick picture with her, then they wheeled her off to NICU.

I then took a shower, ate a little something, and just waited alone in the Labor and Delivery room. My husband went off to see my parents and grab something to eat. I sent a few text messages to close friends to let them know Eva arrived and then I just quietly waited for a room to open up upstairs and for someone to tell me it was okay to see my baby. A few hours later I was wheeled up to a room in the Mother and Baby Unit. Everything felt so surreal. I didn't have a baby next to my bedside and I just felt like I was still pregnant. I hadn't really had a chance to see Eva besides that quick photo opp before they wheeled her way. They told us "no news is good news" in regards to updates.

Later that evening we were finally able to go to the NICU and see our daughter. And hold her. Oh boy - that was the greatest feeling in the world. This teeny, tiny, itty bitty love that we created. She was absolutely perfect. We held her for a few moments each, as we weren't allowed to overstimulate her. Then she was placed back in her warmer. We sat next to her and just stared in amazement at what we created. It was absolutely perfect. She was absolutely perfect.

A Birth Story (Part 1)

Where to start? A little background I guess? The second half of my pregnancy was pretty uneventful up until 31 weeks 6 days. (I had three gushing bright red bleeds during the first and very beginning of second trimester. Each was absolutely terrifying and I would never wish upon anyone. Doctors could not figure out what caused them. They think I had a blood clot behind Baby B's sac, but that was never proven. Each bleed put me on bed rest for at least a week.)

At 31 weeks 6 days, it was like any other day. I went to work (6 days into my new job, btw!) and around 10am started to feel cramping. I didn't think much of it and thought maybe I needed to drink more water. I went for a long walk on my lunch break and hoped that might help, too. (I walked a few miles daily during my pregnancy, so it was nothing out of the ordinary.) The cramping continued throughout the day, becoming a bit more intense. I just drank more water - because that's what I thought you needed to do. (First time mom here, and I hadn't read any birth stories yet, or even investigated what labor felt like. So, I had no idea what I was dealing with were actually contractions.) At 4pm I left work and decided maybe I should call the doctor. So, on my way home I made the phone call and told them I'd been having constant cramping since the morning. And what did they say? Turn your car around and get to our office ASAP.

I called my husband on the way to the doctor to tell him what was going on. I told him it was probably not a big deal and I'd be home soon - most likely with being told to put my feet up. He didn't think it was not a big deal like I did, so he turned his car around and met me at the OBGYN's office. They got me in right away and did an exam. The doctor just looked up at me and said, "you're going to [the hospital] ASAP. You're two centimeters dilated and you need a high level NICU." So my husband and I drove home quick to let our dogs out, I grabbed a bag with a few things (I hadn't packed a hospital bag yet - that was on my week 35 to do list!), called our parents on our way, and off we went.

When we arrived I was admitted to Labor and Delivery immediately and surrounded by nurses, doctors, and who knows who else. Everyone was poking, proding, asking a million questions. It was all like a dream. By 6pm I was hooked up to an IV and being administered a steroid to strengthen the baby's lungs and magnesium sulfate to try and stop labor. I was 3 centimeters dilated and 100% effaced. That baby was on her way.

The mag was something I'd wish to never have again. It makes you lose all muscle control and you need a catheter because you can no longer walk or do anything. It also makes you feel like you have the flu. (I puked on a nurse when being put on a stretcher to go to a high level ultrasound room. I'm sure she and I will never forget that moment.) The mag however, stopped my labor and for that I'll forever be grateful. I spent 4 (5?) days in the hospital and every doctor I spoke to couldn't believe I didn't deliver that baby. She was so determined to come out. My contractions stopped completely 3 days after being administered the mag and I was discharged to go home and be on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy.

For the next three and a half weeks, I lived on my couch or in my bed. My husband took over all household duties (cooking, cleaning, laundry, groceries, taking care of the dogs, finishing any nursery stuff, etc. My parents were  also incredibly helpful, stopping my weekly to help my husband with any cleaning or grocery runs.) My only job was to keep that baby cooking.

And I did until 35 weeks 2 days.

Which is where I'll continue in my next post. :)

IVF Success and Catching Up

I sort of abandoned this blog after our IVF cycle. I didn't mean to, I just found that it was easier to post updates over on Instagram rather than writing out full posts here.

A lot happened after that last blog post. My grandfather passed away and that pretty much devastated me. He had been ill for awhile, but losing someone that was like a second father to you was hard. Really hard. I think however, he had something to do with what happened just a month later - a successful IVF cycle.

We started the cycle in January and had a retrieval on Valentine's Day (February 14).  A quick stats update: We retrieved 18 (!) eggs. We did ICSI on 8 of them and traditional IVF on the other 10. The ICSI resulted in 100% fertilization. The traditional resulted in 60% fertilization. We did a 5 day transfer on February 19 and transferred two embryos. We had 5 that made it to freeze and are all cozy and tucked away for future frozen embryo transfers.

In early March we received the best news ever: I was pregnant. Beta #1 was 597. Beta #2 was 4,220 (34 hour doubling time). When we went in for an ultrasound at 5 weeks, we discovered that both embryos took. We were over the moon to be pregnant with TWINS! The next few weeks were incredible. We told our parents and siblings, as they had been so supportive to us throughout the entire process. We hung the ultrasound of our babies proudly on our fridge and gushed over it multiple times a day. We talked about a future with two babies and all of the things we'd need to do to prepare. We even went and test drove a minivan!

Our happiness quickly took another turn however, as we went in for an ultrasound at 7 weeks. Baby A was thriving, but our precious Baby B was no longer with us. We experienced what is called vanishing twin syndrome. For unknown reasons, one of our babies stopped growing and was no longer in the sac. There were a lot of tears and sadness as we mourned Baby B. We were so happy that Baby A was healthy, but losing her sibling was devastating. You can't imagine it until it happens to you, but you fall in love with those babies so quickly. We did the same with our baby that we lost the previous summer. You grow this instant love and affection for someone you haven't even met yet, but are so close to as they grow inside you. You do everything you can to keep those babies safe and when something happens to them, it's absolutely heartbreaking and brings emotions that I just don't have the words to explain. We now have two babies in heaven - Baby B and our first Baby. We'll love them forever and not a day goes by that I don't think about what life would be like if they made it earth side with us.

After losing Baby B, it took me quite awhile to enjoy being pregnant again. I was scared out of my mind that something was going to happen to Baby A. Out of both embryos, Baby A was the weaker looking of the two. She was measuring a little behind at the beginning and it made me feel like I was in a constant state of concern for her. It was hard to get over. We had a couple of scares during the pregnancy, too. Twice I had sudden gushes of tons of bright red blood. They happened in the first and second trimesters and were absolutely terrifying. There was so much fear and so many tears as we waited to get into the doctor's after each  bleed. Both times the baby was just fine. Her little heartbeat was beating away perfectly and she looked great on the ultrasound. We never found out what caused the bleeds, but each doctor that reviewed our case thought it could have been Baby B's sac - or a blood clot behind the sac. (Yes, Baby B's sac stayed with me the entire pregnancy. Every single ultrasound I went for, we saw that sac and were reminded of our sweet little one that we'd never have a chance to meet, nor would his/her sister.)

Once we made it over the hurdle of 24 weeks (viability!), I started to feel much more comfortable announcing our pregnancy to those outside of our close friends and family. I felt more confident that we were going to have a little one in our arms soon. With each person I told, I also told them about Baby B. I didn't want that little one to be forgotten - he/she is an important part of our lives, too.

In my next post I'll share the birth story of Baby A and some complications that came along in the third trimester. (And I promise I won't abandon the blog again before I share it! Stay tuned.)

IVF Consultation

This morning my husband and I attended an IVF consultation with our RE. We really have no idea why our IUIs are not working (with the exception of the first one that resulted in the ectopic pregnancy). We are hoping that IVF will give us some insight as to what's going on. So, we're moving forward with this next part of our infertility journey and thinking of it as more of a diagnostic stage than anything. (Although we really hope it results in a take home baby or two!)

I just started a new cycle last weekend, so tomorrow I'm going to begin taking birth control pills. I'll probably be on those for about three weeks and we're looking at an egg retrieval sometime in mid-February. We're going to do IVF with partial ICSI so that we can learn as much as we can during this process.  That means that we'll be attempting to make embryos in two ways: 1) many sperm with an egg in a petri dish letting fertilization happen spontaneously; and 2) injecting one sperm directly into an egg. We will be doing a 5 day transfer, as my clinic sees the best results by selecting an embryo at that stage. Our RE has left it up to us to decide on if we want to transfer 1 or 2 embryos, so that's something we'll be discussing over the next few weeks.

So, the next steps are for me to add in CoQ10  (600 mg) to my daily vitamin mix and set-up an appointment for another sonohysterogram and a mock embryo transfer. Oh, and get all of the meds ordered! The nurse is going to call me early next week to schedule those and also go over ordering meds. So, I should have more to report after I hear back from her.

In the meantime, I'm just working on eating as clean as possible and taking good care of myself.  And working on reading and signing all of the IVF paperwork that we were given today.  It's going to be quite a ride these next few weeks/months -- hopefully with the end result being Baby Nest in Progress in our arms. :)

Exam Room 6

Today is CD 3. Yes, another CD 3. We've decided to try one more IUI before heading onto IVF. So this morning I went in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. I wasn't feeling hopeful for this cycle, but I wasn't expecting any unfortunate news. I figured they'd give us the all clear, we'd start our last IUI injectables cycle and then move on to something that might get us pregnant and keep us pregnant. (Or at least have a higher probability of doing so.)

HA! Easy, smooth cycles are such a thing of the past! When I think back to how perfect our first IUI cycle was, I laugh at how lucky we had gotten. Little did I know all of the cycles that would fall after would have one little issue after another. We learn something new every single time. I feel like I'm working towards a degree in reproductive endocrinology. Seriously, I read more of the literature in this area than I even do for my job these days. (Side note: I'm a librarian. Searching the literature is my jam.)

Anyways, this morning's RE visit started off to an awful start when they brought me into the exam room. Or rather, THE EXAM ROOM. You see, the room they put me in was Exam Room 6. The same room that I was told that our first pregnancy was ectopic. The same room that I was given a methotrexate shot one week later when they still couldn't find a baby. Yep, Exam Room 6 is my least favorite room. I hadn't been placed in it since those horrible days back in June/July. So when they put me in there this morning, all of the feels returned. I was immediately sad and no longer even had a glimmer of hope. I just wanted to get out of that room as fast as I could. But, I couldn't. I had to be strong and put up with it to get through the scan.

So, the nurse began and I immediately noticed her face turn from a smile with hope to pure disappointment. "You have a very large cyst on the right ovary," she said. "So, we're going to have to put this cycle on hold for another two weeks. It's your choice if you want to do birth control or just coast it out until you start another cycle on your own."

Are you fucking kidding me? -- is what I wanted to say. Instead, my husband and I explained that this was our last IUI. We're switching insurance at the start of the new year. If we don't start this cycle now it's not happening. We asked if there were any other options because we really were caught off guard and didn't know what to do. Our game plan was fit in one more IUI. This was not in our plan.

The nurse said that she has heard of the doctor, on very rare occasions, allowing a couple to move forward with a cycle even with a cyst. But, she'd have to talk to him and it would also depend on how my bloodwork went. We told her we'd be waiting for the phone call.

When I left the RE I was in tears. I cried the entire way to work. Why can't anything go right? Why can't I have my baby? What did I do in some past life that is making me suffer through so much now? I'm angry. This isn't fair. I'm a good person. I don't deserve this. No one deserves this.

And then the more I thought about it, no, life isn't fair. It sucks for a lot of people. I started thinking about people who have it worse than me. Whether it's a disease, family issue, money issue, or some other personal struggle, so many people are dealing with something. We're all just trying our best to get through each day and be the strongest we can be. Some days that means we're curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor in tears. Other days we're putting a smile on even if on the inside we're barely keeping it together. And then some days we even manage to distract ourselves enough with something that brings us so much joy that we forget about the thing that brings us so much sadness. That last one is the one I need to try and focus on: more days filled with joy.

So I went and treated myself to a cup of tea on my way to work. And a few hours later the nurse called. You know what she said? My E2 level was 23 - extremely low. We could move on with this cycle.  They'd monitor the cyst, but it wasn't active, so we could give this cycle a shot.

So tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday we inject 125 units of Gonal F, put on a face of joy and be thankful that we have been given one more chance of an IUI baby. One more chance before we move on to IVF. And even if we have to move onto that next stage, we know that we'll be grateful that we're given that chance, too. One more road to travel towards bringing home a rainbow baby - or two.

And who knows, maybe someday Exam Room 6 will bring me joy instead of sadness. 

Infertility and my 35th birthday

Last weekend I turned 35. 35 has such an awful connotation when you're living in the world of infertility. It's the age that you've always read about in books and heard in the media that your lady parts start failing rapidly, you're at advanced maternal age, and high risk is a larger concern. I am well aware that my egg reserve didn't deplete or lose quality overnight, and that I can still carry a healthy baby to term; but I still had a really rough time with this birthday. 

The morning that I turned 35, I spent a good three hours crying. I actually cried myself to sleep the night before, too. My husband did everything he could to comfort me, but I just couldn't shake it. For the first time in my entire life, I really didn't want to celebrate my birthday. I didn't want a cake, I didn't want any acknowledgement of it, I just wanted the day to end as quickly as possible. You see, the only thing I wanted for my birthday was to be a mom. When I was pregnant earlier this summer, I actually picked out a super cute pumpkin shirt to wear since I'd have a baby belly at Halloween. I actually envisioned how I would answer the door and give candy to the kiddos and be full of excitement on how I'd be dressing my little one up in costume the following year. But that dream was taken from me real quick back in June when we found out it was ectopic.

The past few months I've watched a number of people fall pregnant. A few of these were accidental, some were with a month of fertility treatments, others I really don't know their story. Watching other women who are in my family or extended circle of friends suddenly have their baby bumps growing and plan baby showers and other events is just heart breaking. I'm so happy for them, really, I am. But I'm so sad for me. I can't help it but see them and think of how far along I should be in my pregnancy, how we'd be decorating a nursery about now, or how we'd probably officially have a name picked out for our little one.

I'm trying to hold it together and keep a smile on my face, but this year has been tough. In my 35 years, it's probably the most difficult one I've lived. As my friends and I grow older and they "complete" their families, I can only wonder if ours will ever grow larger than two humans and two dogs. And if it doesn't, can I accept that and live a happy life - one where I could go back to enjoying birthdays and holidays?

Keto and low carb eating

Last week my husband and I made the switch to a keto diet. (You can learn more about Keto here. Be sure to read the Keto in a Nutshell on the side bar.) We did this a few years back and had great success. He is totally fine with eating keto forever, but I just couldn't do that. I love fruit! I also love pasta and really want that occasional bowl! (I'm Italian, it's in my blood!)

So when he asked to go keto a couple of weeks ago, I was hesitant. I told him I'd do it and prepare meals we ate together keto, but I was going to have a few more carbs. He's trying to stay under 20 per day, while I'm giving myself 50 - and a cheat day once a week if I feel inclined. This gives me the freedom to throw in some fruit (berries mostly), if I wish. It also lets me enjoy a meal out (or at someone else's house) without having to decline due to dieting. (You might call my diet lazy keto -- or just low carb.)

So far things are going well. We ate keto-friendly all of last week, and when we had a birthday party to go to, I freely had a slice of pizza and cake without feeling bad. I might not get into ketosis like my husband will, but I'm eating better and feeling great! I'm still watching my calorie intake and by low carbing it, I am finding that it's harder to actually eat enough calories in a day -- that's a win for me!

Here are some dinners that I have on our keto menu:

Chiavetta's chicken and grilled asparagus
Flank steak and grilled yellow squash w/ parmesan cheese
Chicken souvlaki salad
Ham steaks and mashed cauliflower
Taco pie w/ guacamole

All meals also have a side salad available. Our salads usually consist of lettuce, shredded cheddar, sliced almonds, and a low carb dressing. Our favorite dressing is Ken's Northern Italian. SOOOO GOOD!

As we get into the keto swing of things again, I'll start sharing some recipes that we enjoy.

If you eat a keto or low carb diet, what are some of your favorite dinners?